I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
