Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
We need a shit load of segways right now
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
