I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
