I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
