My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
