Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
