i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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