I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
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