apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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