And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
