Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
