Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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