We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
