guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
