I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
