Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
