So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
