my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
