Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
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