My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
