There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
