Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
