Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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