she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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