Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
