i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
