I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
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Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
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Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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