Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
