i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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