I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
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Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
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I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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