I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
