i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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