i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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