Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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