we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
