she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
