so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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