in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
