he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
