Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
