just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
