Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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