if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I love you.
Bad choice
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
