I wish I could teleport
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
