girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
