Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
