i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
