Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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