i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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