Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
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Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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