He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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