Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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