Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
