so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
