Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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