So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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