I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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